A Tradition Like No Other. No, Not The Masters

*A set of prefabricated housing units sit low on a hill under a bright sun. A lone figure strides in the wind towards one of them, hair tied back neatly, cape billowing behind them impressively. The figure opens a door quietly and slips into a darkened hallway. They pause at the first door on their right, hand hovering over the knob. Abruptly, they grab and twist the knob while pushing it open in a single, fluid move.*

UnCalvin: On this day, Calvin, your blog is DOOMED!

*UnCalvin pauses, and surveys the room. Calvin isn't there. A laptop sits on a table. Two beds bookend the room. Clever Adolescent Panda (CAP) sits on the bed that isn't a bare mattress, idly flipping through a magazine.*

CAP: He's not here.

UnCalvin: *crestfallen* But, but, I was really excited to confront him this time! I even waited for mid-afternoon so he'd be back!

CAP: Yeah, he didn't want to go back out, they needed him to help with some extra stuff. He asked me to be here to greet you. In case you tried something.

UnCalvin: *indignant* "Tried something"? "Tried" something?! *subconsciously makes self taller* I do not "try", I succeed! I am the ruination of his dreams!

CAP: Easy, calm down. He knows that. Why do you think he asked me to be here?

UnCalvin: *composed* Quite right. I apologize for my outburst. The wine of victory will still be sweet even without the crackers of Calvin's helplessness or the cheese of his sorrow!

CAP: Do you need to have a snack before we go any further?

UnCalvin: Witless buffoon. I ate a light, healthy snack before coming here, so I would have energy aplenty, without being too full to feast of success.

CAP: There you go with the food talk again.

UnCalvin: Enough jokes.

*UnCalvin lunges towards the desk, only to be driven to the floor by a flying tackle. UnCalvin tucks and rolls so as to land on top, attempting to pin CAP's arms to the ground. But the stubby arms, covered with slick fur, are difficult to grab, and UnCalvin is driven back with a punch to the nose. Even as she stumbles back, CAP rises to charge, but runs nosefirst into a vicious kick. UnCalvin crashes onto the empty bed, while CAP staggers back, clutching its nose. UnCalvin rises and starts towards the computer again, only to be tripped. The evil opposite manages to stumble across the room without faceplanting, but by the time stable footing is regained, CAP is on the attack again. UnCalvin dodges the assault and flips the panda into a closet, slamming the door shut. Before UnCalvin can take two steps towards the desk, the interfering furball smashes through the closet door, into the small of UnCalvin's back. UnCalvin curses as CAP digs claws in, and rushes backwards at a wall. CAP tries to climb up to escape, but is smooshed between the wall and UnCalvin's head. This is quickly reversed when CAP claps its paws over UnCalvin's eyes, leading to much thrashing, stumbling, and wild attempts at dislodging the furry hero. This continues for another several minutes. The two pause on opposite sides of the room.*

UnCalvin: *huffing* I must say, I've rather missed this sort of strenuous physical activity during the time I've spent rebuilding my empire.

CAP: *puffing* Rebuilding?

UnCalvin: *straightens up, assumes haughty expression* Indeed. I have a new headquarters, the location of which I shall never divulge, some of my old minions came back, and I oof!

*CAP takes advantage of this braggadocio drive headfirst into UnCalvin's stomach, knocking the wind from the mastermind.*

CAP: Maybe you should have spent some money on armor instead of your stupid secret lair!

UnCalvin: *sniffling* Why do you say such mean things? Didn't you used to be nice?

CAP: *concerned* Hey, I'm, I'm sorry. Don't cry. It was just a joke. *Moves over to pat UnCalvin's shoulder* It's cool that you're on the way back up. Really! I think it-

UnCalvin: Fooled you! *throws putty like substance in CAP's face. Then picks up and tosses the panda across the room. Then unleashes a leaping elbow drop.*

CAP: Oww! You jerk! That was a dirty trick!

*During all this, Calvin enters the room, looking sweaty, dirty, and generally unhappy. The only sign he even notices the fight is that he picks up the computer and exits quickly, rather than taking a seat at his desk. The two combatants continue their struggle.*

UnCalvin: Yes, well, that crack about not having armor stung a bit. By the by, Calvin just came in, and left again. He looked rather distraught.

CAP: He did not!

UnCalvin: He most certainly did! He surveyed the carnage in this room, sighed heavily, and then left. I'm sure he's questioning why he ever lets you protect anything, since all you do is break his stuff.

CAP: I don't do that!

UnCalvin: You most certainly do. You did the last time we fought in his home. Destroyed bookshelves, card tables, and carpeting alike.

CAP: *muttering to self* No, I help. I don't break things. *Louder, whirling to face UnCalvin* This is all a trick!

UnCalvin: I prefer distraction. *Fires small gun which releases ticker tape that wraps up CAP's legs.* Hmm, I hadn't counted on you growing quite this much. I must remember to make larger casing next time. *Turning towards desk* At any rate, it will hold you long enough for me to - No! Where's the computer? Blast! That charmed fool must have taken it with him when he left! Noooo! But I can catch him, I just know it! *sound of shredding paper*

CAP: Looks like I still have a chance to save the day.

*CAP draws its own gun from under the bed, which fires a large canister that flies apart, revealing a boxing glove. UnCalvin narrowly dodges the glove, which travels on through the wall and fall harmlessly into the woods.*

CAP: Oh, darn it.

UnCalvin: Ha, HA! What was that about not breaking things? Hold one moment, you stole that design from me! How dare you!

CAP: Yeah, but who cares? It's a stupid weapon anyway.

UnCalvin: It certainly is not! You just can't shoot! *sighs* I think the moment has been lost. The wine of victory will have to stay chilled awhile longer.

CAP: So you'll leave? Because I don't Calvin's room can take much more.

UnCalvin: I might as well. *Hopeful* I don't suppose Calvin left his wallet around?

CAP: You stay away from Calvin's wallet.

UnCalvin: Curses. You haven't seen the last of me! *Throws an object at CAP, dives through hole in wall*

CAP: Aaah, not the putty! *Object bounces harmlessly off its furry chest* Hmm? Oh, it's a flower! How nice! With a tube attached to the stem? How strange. *Suddenly the flower squirts CAP in the face. With vinegar.* Ack! What is this?

UnCalvin: *Standing outside, squeezing a bulb at the other end of the tube* I say, the wine of victory must have turned to vinegar already. How unfortunate. *Strolls off*

CAP: *Staggers to hole in the wall* That wasn't funny! And where's your velocipede? Did you have to sell it to furnish your lair?

UnCalvin: *yelling back* It's not a lair, it's a headquarters! And no, I didn't sell my velocipede. It was a nice day so I chose to walk. *Dark clouds are rolling in. A low rumble of thunder is heard.* Oh, blast it. *Pulls cape over head, starts to run as rain begins.*

CAP: *trying to spit out vinegar taste in whiskers* Well, I've saved the day again.

*Suddenly, a voice from behind CAP*

Calvin: Maybe this is a pointless question with the rain coming in through the hole and all, but WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ROOM?

CAP: Um, UnCalvin did it?